It is mystifying when we are in an argument to attempt to understand how the other person does not see our point of view. No matter how much we try in a rational way to communicate what we see as the correct series of events, or why something we have done makes sense, the other person refuses to understand, and we walk away eventually from the argument, feeling hurt and misunderstood.
In Feeling Good Together by David Burns, the author describes the paradox of how the more we defend our point of view to another, the less likely the other person is to even hear us. The author goes on to describe how empathy is a transformational component to communication that is effective, and leads us eventually to greater understanding. Being able to reflect in someway what the other person is attempting to convey allows the other person‘s nervous system to calm down and then to eventually move closer to us.
Empathy is being able to see and communicate from the other person‘s perspective what it is that they are thinking and feeling in a way that is not judgmental way. It is also important that we are able to communicate our own feelings and thoughts in a way that is respectful to the other. All of this, of course, takes a great deal of self regulation. Self regulation means we are able to center ourselves as an adult, not being hooked into an argument in order to “win“ the argument. The first step, is to notice that we are in conflict. The second step is then to be able to listen to our partner and reflect what it is that you hear them saying instead of defending, countering, or criticize the other. If we do this correctly and well, we will notice that the other person feels someone validated. Validation however, does not necessitate agreement. Validation simply states that the person is not “crazy“ for having their perspective. Through empathy and validation toward each other we end the cycle of repetitive arguing, and we are more likely to connect and find agreement. Although this is a simple concept, this is not an easy road. The way of the adult is not easy and yet a very worthy cause. Why do I have to be the adult, you might ask… Because it is the best part of you and you then will be able to be the best version of yourself.